Congress To Ban Interstate Monkey Trade
Filed under: Senate, House, Barack Obama, Humor, Crime
Congress waited until it was too late before taking on global terrorism, the sub-prime housing bubble and global warming, but this time they’re on offense against the next imminent crisis on the horizon:
Monkey attacks!
Following the alarming (and decidedly unfunny) mauling of a Connecticut woman by an agitated chimpanzee, Congress has seen renewed interest in a pre-existing bill to shut down the interstate monkey trade. The bill’s sponsors say it’s not a moment too soon…
Backers of a bill to ban interstate monkey sales, debated on the House floor on Monday, thought they had found their moment. Every chimp, apparently, has its day.
Rep. Earl Blumenauer (D-Ore.) said the chimp attack, in which a woman suffered massive injuries after a friend’s pet attacked her, put “renewed urgency” behind the bill, which the chamber passed last session but the Senate didn’t touch. Del. Madeleine Bordallo (D-Guam) called it “very timely legislation.”
The last time Congress acted in such an apt manner was a valiant 2005 subpoena to obviate the alarming nationwide trend of Florida women named Terri Schiavo having heart attacks and being kept on artificial feeding tubes for 15 years, sparking an intra-family feud. Thanks to our government’s swift, determined action, you certainly don’t see any other Florida woman named Terri Schiavo pulling that kind of stunt! No sir.
Likewise, don’t expect any more Connecticut women to be mauled when helping their neighbors return 200-pound pet apes back into houses where the ape drinks out of wine glasses, uses the computer, and shares a bed with its owner. Thanks to laws like this, that trend will become ancient history.
In fact with legislation this timely, the only remaining question is how the New York Post can appropriately commemorate it with a Barack Obama minstrel cartoon. It’s really the paper of choice when it comes to animal caricatures.
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